BO PEEP! PEEP! PEEP! PEEP!

Little Miss Bo Peep,

Lost all of her sheep,

But, she gave assurance,

That she had insurance,

So they paid without a peep.

***

LITTLE BOY'S PRAYER

Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight,

And God bless Mommy and Daddy,

And my dog Snot!

***

I USED TO WALK TO SCHOOL...

When I was in elementary school many, many long years ago I walked to school with the little girl that lived down the street from me. I thought of her as "Ann of the fair face and golden locks." Even then I was intrigued with the creatures. One day I told her that I had heard on the radio that they were building a dam site better than required for a reservoir outside of town.

She shuddered, clamped her hand over her mouth and dropped her books on the sidewalk. She said I should never use such foul, profane language in her presence again! When I got home I told my mother what I said and she chased me and my dog through the screen door and out into the yard yelling at me never to use such foul, profane language in her presence again!

The next day "Ann of the fair face,etc." deigned to accompany me to and from school if I would agree never to use such language in her presence again...henceforth and forever! I said, "Oh, hell yes!" I joyfully cried, confident of my feral charm.

I told my dog Snot that I didn't think anyone understood me but him. He promptly peed on my leg while watching Ann of the etc. run home as fast as her little legs would carry her.

But, she forgave me the next day when I presented her with some treats that I had wrapped with a nice red, fancy bow in a golden box. She didn't have to know that they were some chewies that my mother had bought for Snot.

I told my father what I had done and he couldn't keep a straight face around my mother for days. I knew which side my little butt was buttered on .

***

VERY SHORT POEM

Ain'tcha?

Can'tcha?

Don'tcha?

Won'tcha?

***

I learned as a boy that frogs don't cause warts

...toads do!

***

My mother once gave me a book entitled,

"The Emotional Lives of Cats."

It had an introduction followed by 400 blank pages.

***

Lucy had some charm, it's true,

'Cause Lucy did what Lucy do!

***

" I will only marry you, Harold...if you promise

never to use my bathroom!"

WILLIE WALTZES

Waltz with me, Willie,

Let's twirl and swirl.

Maybe, you'll forget Millie,

And I'll be your girl.

Let's dance the Vienna,

Or even the Tennessee,

We'll dance through dinner,

And the drinks are on me.

Look in my eyes and sigh.

Tell me you love me, silly ,

And I'll know you lie.

So, waltz with me, Willie!

Count Sneaky

***

A young man named Sealyham,

Filled his balloon with helium,

Caught a breeze,

Stifiled a sneeze,

And said,"I'm off to New Zelium!"

Count Sneaky

***

There was a maiden named Thalia,

Who despised failure.

Beautiful and chaste,

She refused to marry in haste,

Until offered Queen's regalia.

Count Sneaky

***

A new planet, named Simoneades, was discovered last week by astronomers in California. How it got to California is not known.

***

A man was finally found after a nationwide search for a male who refuses to take charge of his tv's remote control.

***

TIP OF THE WEEK: You can put new wine in old bottles. Who's going to know, or mention it?

***

LOVELY LENA'S LAMENT

I'm looking for Mr. Right,

Every day and night.

The good ones are taken,

The rest are godforsaken.

But, I'm not dismayed.

My hand's not played,

And I'm not bereft,

So, I'll settle for what's left.

Count Sneaky

YOU!

You straighten my hair. You make me swear.

You curl my toes. You stop up my nose.

I think I hate you!

You make me weak. You kiss my cheek.

You make me dream. You make me scream.

I think I hate you!

You are a temptation. You are an aggravation.

You are trouble unalloyed. You are schizoid.

I think I hate you!

You are my hearthrob. You are a thingabob.

You are a catastrophe. You have mastered me.

I think I love you!

Count Sneaky

**********

There was a lady named Sue,

Who went to get a tattoo.

When she came out,

She said with a shout,

"He had designs on me, too!"

Count Sneaky

AUTHOR, AUTHOR!





Breathes there a blogger with soul so dead...that he does not wish to be a published author? My friend, Dudley Jejune, reports:
"Count, I have written two published books. The first was "The Quotable Marcel Marceau" and it got no favorable reviews. In fact, the publisher donated the entire first edition to the state of Florida who used it to build an artificial reef off the west coast near Tampa. And then I wrote "The Wit and Wisdom of Calvin Coolidge" and it became an artificial reef on the east coast of Florida. But, that's the publishing business, I guess. If you wish to invest the toil, tears, and shattered relationships involved in writing books...OK! Just make sure your work is relevant and timely like the work I have in progress now. It is entitled " An Introduction to Humorous Mathematical Equations" and was co-authored by my ex-wife.
All in all, the best advice I can give to blog writers out there is: If at first you don't succeed, have yourself stuffed back into the cannon and shot out again. You're bound to hit something sooner or later as my ex-wife has pointed out. Watch your dangling participles and split infinitives. Dudley."


Another aspiring author, Hedley Hemstitch, writes: "Count Sneaky,
I have been thinking of some advice to give aspiring bloggers who wish to be published authors and, frankly, I would advise them to avoid the temptation to sleep in the woods twice a week. You may fill a void, but you can't keep one from leaking. My new unpublished self-help book, "Idiot-Proof Your Home...Move Out!" has aroused some interest at Compost Publishing and I expect to have my phone calls returned any day now."


Finally, Nicole Tortoise reports that her latest unpublished novel, "Ducks In a Row," has been favorably received by Lemonade Press and
is being considered, though it does not meet their present needs or reader lists. She advises that one keep a low profile and a large,vicious dog.

Thanks Nic. Keep us informed; we're pulling for you!


I know it's tough to keep a blog going and write books too. But, I think these folks prove it can be done...or at least attempted. At any rate, the only advice that the Count can give after the rejection of his latest epic work, "Dairy Farming for Everyone," is: Don't cry over spilled milk!

"Do not mess with me! Do not touch me!
I'm recycling!"

"So, have a hissy fit!"

"It doesn't come in YOUR size!"

"Fill in the blank. Kiss my ____!"

"Your incompetence without arrogance
is refreshing!"

"What's on your mind...if you'll allow
the overstatement?"

"I'm only into this relationship
for the food and fireplace."

"If you're a few bricks short of a load...
Don't take the truck out of the brickyard!"

"Can you spell hemorrhoids, Mr. Rogers?"

...From the Diary of Strutz the Cat