Saturday, February 28, 2009

AUTHOR, AUTHOR!





Breathes there a blogger with soul so dead...that he does not wish to be a published author? My friend, Dudley Jejune, reports:
"Count, I have written two published books. The first was "The Quotable Marcel Marceau" and it got no favorable reviews. In fact, the publisher donated the entire first edition to the state of Florida who used it to build an artificial reef off the west coast near Tampa. And then I wrote "The Wit and Wisdom of Calvin Coolidge" and it became an artificial reef on the east coast of Florida. But, that's the publishing business, I guess. If you wish to invest the toil, tears, and shattered relationships involved in writing books...OK! Just make sure your work is relevant and timely like the work I have in progress now. It is entitled " An Introduction to Humorous Mathematical Equations" and was co-authored by my ex-wife.
All in all, the best advice I can give to blog writers out there is: If at first you don't succeed, have yourself stuffed back into the cannon and shot out again. You're bound to hit something sooner or later as my ex-wife has pointed out. Watch your dangling participles and split infinitives. Dudley."


Another aspiring author, Hedley Hemstitch, writes: "Count Sneaky,
I have been thinking of some advice to give aspiring bloggers who wish to be published authors and, frankly, I would advise them to avoid the temptation to sleep in the woods twice a week. You may fill a void, but you can't keep one from leaking. My new unpublished self-help book, "Idiot-Proof Your Home...Move Out!" has aroused some interest at Compost Publishing and I expect to have my phone calls returned any day now."


Finally, Nicole Tortoise reports that her latest unpublished novel, "Ducks In a Row," has been favorably received by Lemonade Press and
is being considered, though it does not meet their present needs or reader lists. She advises that one keep a low profile and a large,vicious dog.

Thanks Nic. Keep us informed; we're pulling for you!


I know it's tough to keep a blog going and write books too. But, I think these folks prove it can be done...or at least attempted. At any rate, the only advice that the Count can give after the rejection of his latest epic work, "Dairy Farming for Everyone," is: Don't cry over spilled milk!





3 comments:

C. Hinson said...

You, Count, are such an accomplished blogger that probably none of your readers would dare attempt to practice the art. In trying to determine some of the fundamental techniques that would need to be perfected I envisioned moving into a state in which my mind is in neutral allowing my thoughts to roll where they may. However accompanying that skill surely would be the need to develop oblique and wildly visionary imagery along with vocabulary for appropriate descriptions. This whole process would be very intimidating I would think. It reminds me of a comment made during World War II by British Lieutenant-General Frederick A.M. Browning, deputy commander of the First Allied Airborne Army, who told Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery before an operation requiring seizure of several bridges, "I think we may be going a bridge too far". My idea of risk-taking exploits would more likely resemble "The Bridges of Madison County", but I wouldn't want to try that either. Guess I'll just depend on you, Count, to bridge the gap for us.
--C. Hinson

Count Sneaky said...

What was your rank and unit in the war when you overheard this
memorable quotation? Perhaps,
you crossed that bridge when you came to it or it was one of those bridges to nowhere!
Regards, Count Sneaky

Fran Hill said...

You are genuinely very funny. Enjoyed this post a lot, Count.