Sunday, July 26, 2009

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Little Girls

They're made of bile,
And everything vile.
With little dresses,
And long tresses,
Topped off with a smile,
Wicked as a country mile!
Count Sneaky

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My cup runneth does my desk!
You got your troubles, I got mine...Now shut up
and listen to mine!
I can dog-paddle 'til Friday!
Tell me about it...I got my boots on!
The marriage didn't work because I'm digital
and she's analogue.
When I lost my last job before this one, I realized
the value of little job, my salary,
my benefits...
Actually, most of my quality time is spent
in Wal-Mart...
Welcome to my Abyss...let's just sit here and stare
into it for a few minutes.
Welcome to my cage. You rattled?
No, Jackson, don't look at as being "fired"... You're
being "negatively hired!"
Count Sneaky

Friday, June 26, 2009


When I hear life is a "Journey" one more time...

I'm going to demand I see your ticket!


My inner voice is bringing out my need for

a hearing aid.


Life is like, "I just can't believe I did that!"


I never quiet rise to the occasion when I

can crawl under it.


When my coat-of-arms dropped off the wall,

I was crest-fallen.


I wasn't born yesterday...I was born in the last century


My family sold me to some gypsies when I was three.

It worked until they demanded a refund.


Count Sneaky

Forgive my hearing loss.
I just got back from
two weeks of
Banjo Camp!
Count Sneaky

Monday, June 22, 2009

Senator Dipp was a conservative backer,
A party whip and talleywhacker.
He kept them in line,
And made them dine,
On an oyster and a cracker.
Count Sneaky

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A man named Chad arranged a tryst,

With a lady who had never been kist.

She resisted his advances,

Which reduced her chances,

Of ever living in sweet marital blyst.

Count Sneaky
Sailing on a cappucino sea,
In a lovely chocolate mocha ship.
Drop anchor in Cocoa Bay,
Put in a straw for a long sweet sip,
And drink your troubles away.
Count Sneaky

Saturday, June 20, 2009

While visiting in Argentina,
A fellow bought a concertina.
He played it well,
But, his wife said,
"You shoulda bought a vacuum cleaner!"
Count Sneaky
There was a lady named Druscilla,
Of glamor she had only a scintilla,
But, she made up her mind,
Put her dreams behind,
and settled for plain vanilla.
Count Sneaky

They're made vicious,
And totally malicious,
With nasty tongues,
And very big lungs,
Topped off with a grin,
Wicked as any 'ol sin.
Count Sneaky

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Senior Moments

"Stop yelling, 'DAMAGE REPORT!', every time the grand kids leave!"
"Of course it's not your size, Maude. They don't make your size!"
"You're down to your last marbles, Earl. Don't push it!"
"It's fat-free, no cholesterol, and no calories. Don't ask what it is!"
"My daddy says that when he was a boy, you were a young man.
Is that true, Grandpa?"
"Same old same old, Earl. But, I think you will be intrigued
by its piquant bouquet and slightly fruity taste!"
"I've done the big five oh! I've done the big six oh! Now, I'm working
on the big OH NO!
"Dinner will be ready shortly. There's just enough time to mow
the lawn; trim the hedges; carry out the trash; and fix that leaky faucet."
"No, Maude, I am not going to stop and ask for directions...what
difference does it make WHERE we're going!"
Count Sneaky

Saturday, June 6, 2009

1. I make it a rule never to boldly go where no man has gone
2. Funny, I don't remember collecting $2oo as I went past go
3. Every day is a new opportunity to screw things up.
4. Life IS worth living! In fact, that's the only way it can be done!
5. If your life resembles a garbage dump,
just think of it as an environmentally-sound landfill.
6. I had a kit and caboodle...until I misplaced the caboodle.
7. Fortunately, growing up has its own compensations,
although I can't think of any.
8. Thanks to Prozac my head is in a better place where
it can't do any harm.
9. If opportunity knocks, it's probably selling something.
10. Nobody said life was fair or easy, but it comes
with a lifetime guarantee.
Count Sneaky

Wednesday, June 3, 2009



Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Let's drive the train to Tookey-Doo,
I'll open it up and see what it can do!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Now we're rolling up to five miles per.
Just enough to feel the engine purr!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Up to ten, gotta lot of coal in the bin,
The fireman shovels away with a grin!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Now we are rolling up to past twenty,
And we still have a head of steam aplenty!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Push the levers and pull the throttle,
Take a drink from the water bottle!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Oh! Wow!...We're up to thirty-five,
Don,t it make you just feel alive!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Pull the whistle! Crossing ahead!
We're hitting forty-five , by Ned!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Now we're rolling along at near fifty.
This is so wind-in-the- hair nifty!
Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
I love driving the train to Tookey-Doo,
'Cause it don't go to Timbuktoo!
Count Sneaky

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

To say:" I love you, but I'm not ready for a commitment
yet." Try a bouquet of shrinking violets, very loosely arranged.
To say: "I love you, but that stupid cat has to go!"
Try an attractive arrangement of pussywillows with catnip.

To say: "I need my space, babe!" Try a dozen bachelor's-buttons
wrapped in tinfoil
To say: "I'm really into you. Let's get on with it!" Try a bunch of impatiens
hastily wrapped in newspaper.
To say: "Would you marry me ? I think I'm ready!" Try a spray of
jack-in-the- pulpits wrapped in white paper.

The crayfish had a ball in May,

Invited all the crustaceans in the bay,

When it was finally over,

They were all in clover,

And were made into etouffee.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

My thanks to Dave Hambidge ( for including

me in his e-book, Blogging for Newbies, as one of the

"Best of the Newer Fiction Blogs."

The Count is honored.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Oh, dress my lady in puce and green,

Give her a mirror and watch her preen.

She's adorable in her glitz and glitter,

And extremely proficient in Twitter.
Count Sneaky

Monday, May 25, 2009


Lovely Monique had a physique,
Everyone thought came from a boutique,

So, she decided to show them all,

And that Fall came to the Ball,

Wearing nothing

At all.

Count Sneaky

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Don't fret, don't fuss, don't even cuss.
Your house is big enough for both of us!
I know its your domicile,
But it's only for a while.
Until she gets over her hissy fit,
You and I, Pal, will just sit.
When you get thrown out the door,
It's nice to own a big Labrador.
So, move over, Rover.
Move over, Friend!
Tomorrow, we will be back in the den
Count Sneaky

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

"What would I do with a piece of your mind?


"Well, Kemo Sabe, What do we do now!"


"Oh! Be still my beating heart!"


"If beauty is only skin deep, how deep

does it need to go?"


"A fool and his money will have a good time!"


"If you are a few bricks short of a load,

don't take the truck out of the brickyard!"


"Of course you don't need a nose job...

it works doesn't it?"


"Do you know anyone who has never stuck

a Q-Tip in his ear!"


"The early bird still has to eat worms!"


"Taco Bell is suing a rival for copyright

infringement to get its ding dong back!"


"Two wrongs don't make a right,

but sometimes they make a maybe!"


"Is there anything men can't do working

together? Yeah. They can't read a manual!"


"Politics is the art of possibly doing

the possible if possible!"


"Do not live in a glasshouse if you are

a stone's throw from your neighbor!"


"My ancestors came on over the the brig!"


"You spent a mountain of money

to buy a molehill!"


"Wooda, coulda, shoulda...didya?"


"Go talk to Rover...You're sleeping

in his house tonight!"


Diana, Princess of Wales

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My asters are disasters.
My lillies aren't dillies.
My daffodills hold no thrills.
I look at the gladioli and just sigh.
My wisteria has diptheria.

If it gets any worse,
It'll be the curse,
That comes down,
When a green thumb turns brown.

Count Sneaky

Bless my rusty dusty, Father,
For I have sinned,
I wet my crib after,
My diaper came unpinned.
I know I'm a lot of bother,
An' create a lot of trouble,
'Cause I just lay here,
An' goo-goo an' bubble.
But, I'll get bigger,
An' make plenty of money,
Meantine, you and mom,
Just call me Honey.
Count Sneaky

Friday, May 8, 2009

Hi Count. I'm sending along a picture of my new home. I'm
somewhere in Indiana in a rather medium-sized city.
My big rig trucker buddy stopped at "Big Phil's" Truck
Haven, and I liked what I saw here. I hated to leave my trucker
buddy because I had ridden shotgun with him for weeks looking
for I found here. I had listened to all his stories, all his women
problems,and anything that crossed his mind from cussing
other drivers to singing along with his country music CDs.
He fed me well and scratched my head...he was my "buddy"
and I hated to leave him and "Madelaine," his big-rig truck's
name, but I saw these houses on the hill a few blocks away.
My trucker buddy had just ordered his meal and I was sitting
on the restaurant's window waiting on him. So, I took off to
check out the houses and after a quick run I was there. Wow!
The Jackpot! Details to follow.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


In 1513, the Spanish explorer, Ponce de Leon, cruised up
and down the Florida coast looking for promising
sites to establish gated communities, retirement
villages, oceanfront condos, and strip malls.
There was a lovely lass from Dorset,
Who cinched up her corset,
Buttoned her dress again,
Tied her bonnet under her chin,
And said, "Love, let's do it again!"

Friday, May 1, 2009

Touch us gently, Time!
We've not proud nor soaring wings:
Our ambition, our content,
Lies in simple things.
Bryan Waller Proctor

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Yo, Count, as you can see I’m beginning to talk like my trucker buddies.
I guess it’s ‘cause I’m around them so much, and I’m so well known now
in trucker circles that they all love to give me a saucer of milk and talk to me.
I think I’ve become a sort of a shotgun-seat psychologist to these men
and women. Out on Interstate 39, rolling along at 70 per, next stop 350
miles away, they start to unburden themselves to me. Their love life,
their divorces, their children, their operations, their goals, their
bills, and the price of gas. Of course, being a cat, a superior creature,
it’s hard to grasp their problems and concerns, especially the price of gas.
So, every time we make a stop at the rest area, I take care of my business
And go over to the store to see if I can con them out of a saucer of milk before
my trucker comes along and buys me a can of (YUK!) evaporated milk.
At any rate, I go to the door of the restaurant and a trucker or two will come
along and let me in and I run back to the kitchen and do my act and the
cooks give me treats and then put me out the back door. Then I run around to
my truck and wait for my good buddy to come back and…
“We’re On the Road Again!”
Mercy! Strutz the Cat

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

Pretty Mollie met Ollie on the trolley,
Her friend Polly said, "By golly,"
"He'd be my folly, if were you, Molly!"
"But", said Molly "I date Wally."
"I'll take him!" said Polly,
Now, it's all so jolly,
Riding on the trolley'
With Polly and Wally,
Mollie and Ollie.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hello again Count! I'm somewhere east of I95 and west of I45 in other words the cat is lost. But I have to say that truckers are wonderful people as humans go (No slight intended to you), and they have treated me very well. They get me saucers of milk, and even cans of food and I get to ride shotgun with them in their cabs. They talk to me as we ride along. It's a lonely job and they welcome company. I pick one at the truck stop who seems to be going the way I want to go and I wait until the driver comes out and I go up and rub his leg (see picture)...I then walk over to his truck and climb up on the running board and meow loudly. Well, they get the message, open the door and let me hop in.I sit up there looking out like I know what I'm doing. They rub my head and call me "Buddy" and we hit the road. As we are rolling down the highway, they rub my head and tell me their problems. My presence, and I am a large, handsome cat, seems to relieve the stress of piloting one of these giant ships of commerce. God bless 'em, they are a hardy, generous, group of humans and I see a truck stop coming up at a small town that looks interesting. I may have to leave my new friend Bubba behind and check it out. Oh, meant to tell you, the downtown mansion I was interested in at the last stop was a dud. Its owner was a little, old gray-haired lady who had a house full of (Yuk!) Yorkshire Terriers! So, I'm sitting here with Bubba thinking of Fluffy.
Hope to let you know how this burg works out the first the week.
Strutz the Cat

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Sitting here under a moon in June,
I'm about ready to croon,
Something about a honey moon,
Then I'll up and swoon 'n try a new toon,
'Cause I'm sittin' here with a real baboon.

Friday, April 10, 2009

"Sir! It behooves me to reprove you
for the move you made in the Louvre!"
she said adjusting her blouse as they stepped
out into the sunlight .
"However, if again you'd like to try...
I know a lovely place in the Gardens of Versailles."

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Hi Count, As you can see by the attached picture above, it has been a fine week, so far. This is a picture of my amor de jour named "Fluffy" (what else?) She is a refined young lady whose tastes match mine. We have been a item for the last few days and her housekeeper (remember, we never refer to them as owners!) even let me in to eat with her and sit beside her at the fireplace. But, alas, her housekeepers left a lot to be desired in the income and accommodations departments. But, she was such a lovely lady and so susceptible to my natural charm and good looks, that I almost wavered. I'm back on the road and continuing my pursuit of the good life.

I hitched a ride with a trucker over to the next city. He apparently felt sorry for me and poured me a large saucer of milk. This burg looks a lot more promising than Fluffy's overgrown crossroads; I miss her already... that long black hair with those yellow eyes! Gad! But, I can't afford to settle down in the midst of my quest. In the morning, after a good sleep I have my eye on a fine Victorian mansion in the downtown area. The town seems to be well-stocked with some fine, furry, female felines that need the pleasure of my company. Meanwhile Count, I will e-mail the result of my pilgrimage (if any) later this week.
Strutz the Cat

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dancing towards senility,
Restores one's tranquility.
It frees the mind,
Lets the body unwind,
And promotes boogiebility.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Count, I promised you I would keep you up to date with
my search to find housekeepers who could better afford
to keep a refined cat like me in fine gourmet food, deluxe
litter boxes,and peace and quiet in a fine house with a
fireplace. As I said in the note I left on the fridge for my
last housekeepers, I'm going to search until I find one.
It ain't gonna be easy, Count! But, I have run into
some fine female felines out here who were anxious
to have me improve their gene pools and spend a day or
two with them and share their food and comforts.
However, none of their housekeepers( I laugh every
time they call themselves our owners!) were any
great improvement over my previous pair of losers.
So, I must hit the road again and continue my search
in a higher-class neighborhood.
Count, I will e-mail you again on my search.
Your old buddy, Strutz.

"The man or woman who is happy is not
he or she who is believed to be so,
but he or she,who believes they are so."
Michel De Montaigne

Sunday, March 29, 2009

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken
about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside
the Garden with her than inside it without her."
Adams Diary, Mark Twain

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had
taken out an international copyright on it.
Notebook, Mark Twain
Adam was a man who comes down to us without a
stain upon his name, unless it was a stain to take
one apple when most of us would have taken
the whole crop.
"On Adam", from a speech by Mark Twain
No woman or man really knows what perfect love
is until they have been married for a quarter of a century.
Notebook, Mark Twain
And finally the old master writer and wit
wrote in a letter:
Marriage...yes, it is the supreme felicity of life.
I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life.
The deeper the love, the surer the tragedy.
Mark Twain

Friday, March 27, 2009

Adam was not appalled,
When he experienced the fall;
For he found Eve more enthralling,
When the leaves were falling.
Joe L. Hardegree
God have mercy on the sinner,
Who tries every diet to get thinner,
And when the diet comes to an end,
Has to find another to begin!
There was a young man from York,
Who was thought of as a dork,
Until he became a winner,
When during a boring dinner,
He discovered the quark.
If I could journalize,
I wouldn't have to internalize,
All of this crap.
I could take a nap,
And then go externalize!.
The Count's Rule for Muddling Through.
Mind your own business,
Try not to meddle.
Handle it all with finesse,
Wait for the dust to settle.
Spayed and Neutered
All Shots and Tags.
Ready to go.
Delightful, amusing pets, particularly
if you live near a bridge.
Sponsored by the Society for Humane Treatment of Trolls.
If you cross a pug with a boxer what kind of dog
do you get? Answer: A dog that loses every fight.
The length of shoelaces was established by the
International Shoelace Federation in 1948 to keep the
industry from typing itself up in knots.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

" Sometimes, I just sits and thinks "..."Sometimes I just sits!"
The Roman Candle was invented in China for Wal-Mart.
There is no zero in Roman numerals. They knew everything.
Iowa is bigger than Portugal, but Portugal holds no political primaries.
200 million atoms placed in a row would measure one inch, more or less, or the length of the average attention span.
The earliest known will was written in 2550 B.C. by the earliest known lawyer.
Maine is the only state with a one-syllable name. Be still my heart!
Frogs have no ribs, but their legs are very tasty.
What Little Jack Horner pulled out of a pie resulted in a lawsuit.
"A woman I knew could speak six languages and couldn't say no in any of them!" Dorothy Parker
If there's an elephant in the room you should introduce it to the 800lb. gorilla.
If it looks like a dumpster. if it smells like a must be a dumpster!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Scuppernong wishes,
And muscadine dreams,
And all the little fishes,
You can catch with moonbeams.
With all the being alive,
You can stand 'tween nine and five.
'Cause I love you 'Nita,
Life couldn't be sweeter.
Count Sneaky for his wife
There was a girl named Grace,
Who was more than a pretty face.
It held her back,
Changed her career track,
But, she said, "It's only a braincase!"
Lovely Minny was thin as a penny,
When she turned sideways any ninny,
Could see, there was no skinny Minny.
Two old dogs sitting in a swing,
One turns to the other and starts to sing:
"I'll tug at your collar,
I'll nip at your knees,
I'll get down and wallow,
And take all your fleas.
Let's settle down and have a litter,
'Cause I'm a pointer and you're a sitter!"
"Drink to me only with thine eyes...
and I'll finish the bottle!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The following memo was left on the refrigerator under a magnet that read "Cats Forever!":

My dear housekeepers , The canned cat food that I have been served for the last few weeks is not fit for dogs much less the highly refined taste buds of yours truly. Where did you get this tripe. I won't ask what it cost but I cannot believe that any reputable pet store would try to shovel this litter filler off on any discerning cat fanciers. I have taken in consideration your recently strained resources, but this simply cannot continue ! Unless the quality of my food is appreciably increased I shall be forced to vacate the house and upgrade the human housekeepers whom I favor with my presence. Also, the crappy old litterbox I use has to be replaced with a new,
deluxe model and changed daily. And no more disturbing my nap to show me off to your dim-witted friends. If these changes are made I will reconsider my decision. Get on it! Strutz the Cat.
Today is Saint Vinaigrette's Day. It honors Sir Vinaigrette, the knight who slew the last known Dragon and rescued the last known maiden.

All hail the knight,
Who slew the last dragon,
Took his head and left,
His tail wagging.
Now that dragons are no more,
Knighthood is going to be a bore.
No more maidens to rescue from their jaws,
No more peasants to rescue from their claws,
Farewell fearsome dragons!
We knights raise our flagons,
And salute you one last time,
Stalwart beasts of gore and grime
Count Sneaky
on St. Vinaigrette's Day

The Luddite's Ball will be held in conjunction with the Pecadillo's Ball this month and features the Hollow Log Band. It will be held at the Lake Bohemia Pavilion, out where the buses don't run.
Meet me tonight in Dreamland. Happy Hour is 9pm 'til 9am
The Cotillion for Debutantes with Intellectual Pretentions was held in the
Soda City Library and all had a fine time and the discussions entre-dances
were very well rehearsed and focused.
Current read: Solving Pest Problems by James G. Buckstopper, Frog Hair Press, 2009. 198 pages. Now, what I'm wondering is : Why should we solve problems for pest? Let the little buggers do it themselves.
How to stay fit: Eat cumquats three times a day and do
fifty reps of diddly-squats.
Left to himself...a hermit will generally be left to himself. Pinkam's Law.
Worm wrestling is a rapidly growing underground sport.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Little Miss Bo Peep,
Lost all of her sheep,
But, she gave assurance,
That she had insurance,
So they paid without a peep.



Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight,

And God bless Mommy and Daddy,

And my dog Snot!



When I was in elementary school many, many long years ago I walked to school with the little girl that lived down the street from me. I thought of her as "Ann of the fair face and golden locks." Even then I was intrigued with the creatures. One day I told her that I had heard on the radio that they were building a dam site better than required for a reservoir outside of town.

She shuddered, clamped her hand over her mouth and dropped her books on the sidewalk. She said I should never use such foul, profane language in her presence again! When I got home I told my mother what I said and she chased me and my dog through the screen door and out into the yard yelling at me never to use such foul, profane language in her presence again!

The next day "Ann of the fair face,etc." deigned to accompany me to and from school if I would agree never to use such language in her presence again...henceforth and forever! I said, "Oh, hell yes!" I joyfully cried, confident of my feral charm.

I told my dog Snot that I didn't think anyone understood me but him. He promptly peed on my leg while watching Ann of the etc. run home as fast as her little legs would carry her.

But, she forgave me the next day when I presented her with some treats that I had wrapped with a nice red, fancy bow in a golden box. She didn't have to know that they were some chewies that my mother had bought for Snot.

I told my father what I had done and he couldn't keep a straight face around my mother for days. I knew which side my little butt was buttered on .








I learned as a boy that frogs don't cause warts

...toads do!


My mother once gave me a book entitled,

"The Emotional Lives of Cats."

It had an introduction followed by 400 blank pages.


Lucy had some charm, it's true,

'Cause Lucy did what Lucy do!


Sunday, March 8, 2009

" I will only marry you, Harold...if you promise
never to use my bathroom!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Waltz with me, Willie,
Let's twirl and swirl.
Maybe, you'll forget Millie,
And I'll be your girl.
Let's dance the Vienna,
Or even the Tennessee,
We'll dance through dinner,
And the drinks are on me.
Look in my eyes and sigh.
Tell me you love me, silly ,
And I'll know you lie.
So, waltz with me, Willie!
Count Sneaky


A young man named Sealyham,

Filled his balloon with helium,

Caught a breeze,

Stifiled a sneeze,

And said,"I'm off to New Zelium!"

Count Sneaky


There was a maiden named Thalia,

Who despised failure.

Beautiful and chaste,

She refused to marry in haste,

Until offered Queen's regalia.

Count Sneaky


A new planet, named Simoneades, was discovered last week by astronomers in California. How it got to California is not known.


A man was finally found after a nationwide search for a male who refuses to take charge of his tv's remote control.


TIP OF THE WEEK: You can put new wine in old bottles. Who's going to know, or mention it?