Sunday, March 29, 2009

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken
about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside
the Garden with her than inside it without her."
Adams Diary, Mark Twain

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had
taken out an international copyright on it.
Notebook, Mark Twain
Adam was a man who comes down to us without a
stain upon his name, unless it was a stain to take
one apple when most of us would have taken
the whole crop.
"On Adam", from a speech by Mark Twain
No woman or man really knows what perfect love
is until they have been married for a quarter of a century.
Notebook, Mark Twain
And finally the old master writer and wit
wrote in a letter:
Marriage...yes, it is the supreme felicity of life.
I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life.
The deeper the love, the surer the tragedy.
Mark Twain

Friday, March 27, 2009

Adam was not appalled,
When he experienced the fall;
For he found Eve more enthralling,
When the leaves were falling.
Joe L. Hardegree
God have mercy on the sinner,
Who tries every diet to get thinner,
And when the diet comes to an end,
Has to find another to begin!
There was a young man from York,
Who was thought of as a dork,
Until he became a winner,
When during a boring dinner,
He discovered the quark.
If I could journalize,
I wouldn't have to internalize,
All of this crap.
I could take a nap,
And then go externalize!.
The Count's Rule for Muddling Through.
Mind your own business,
Try not to meddle.
Handle it all with finesse,
Wait for the dust to settle.
Spayed and Neutered
All Shots and Tags.
Ready to go.
Delightful, amusing pets, particularly
if you live near a bridge.
Sponsored by the Society for Humane Treatment of Trolls.
If you cross a pug with a boxer what kind of dog
do you get? Answer: A dog that loses every fight.
The length of shoelaces was established by the
International Shoelace Federation in 1948 to keep the
industry from typing itself up in knots.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

" Sometimes, I just sits and thinks "..."Sometimes I just sits!"
The Roman Candle was invented in China for Wal-Mart.
There is no zero in Roman numerals. They knew everything.
Iowa is bigger than Portugal, but Portugal holds no political primaries.
200 million atoms placed in a row would measure one inch, more or less, or the length of the average attention span.
The earliest known will was written in 2550 B.C. by the earliest known lawyer.
Maine is the only state with a one-syllable name. Be still my heart!
Frogs have no ribs, but their legs are very tasty.
What Little Jack Horner pulled out of a pie resulted in a lawsuit.
"A woman I knew could speak six languages and couldn't say no in any of them!" Dorothy Parker
If there's an elephant in the room you should introduce it to the 800lb. gorilla.
If it looks like a dumpster. if it smells like a must be a dumpster!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Scuppernong wishes,
And muscadine dreams,
And all the little fishes,
You can catch with moonbeams.
With all the being alive,
You can stand 'tween nine and five.
'Cause I love you 'Nita,
Life couldn't be sweeter.
Count Sneaky for his wife
There was a girl named Grace,
Who was more than a pretty face.
It held her back,
Changed her career track,
But, she said, "It's only a braincase!"
Lovely Minny was thin as a penny,
When she turned sideways any ninny,
Could see, there was no skinny Minny.
Two old dogs sitting in a swing,
One turns to the other and starts to sing:
"I'll tug at your collar,
I'll nip at your knees,
I'll get down and wallow,
And take all your fleas.
Let's settle down and have a litter,
'Cause I'm a pointer and you're a sitter!"
"Drink to me only with thine eyes...
and I'll finish the bottle!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The following memo was left on the refrigerator under a magnet that read "Cats Forever!":

My dear housekeepers , The canned cat food that I have been served for the last few weeks is not fit for dogs much less the highly refined taste buds of yours truly. Where did you get this tripe. I won't ask what it cost but I cannot believe that any reputable pet store would try to shovel this litter filler off on any discerning cat fanciers. I have taken in consideration your recently strained resources, but this simply cannot continue ! Unless the quality of my food is appreciably increased I shall be forced to vacate the house and upgrade the human housekeepers whom I favor with my presence. Also, the crappy old litterbox I use has to be replaced with a new,
deluxe model and changed daily. And no more disturbing my nap to show me off to your dim-witted friends. If these changes are made I will reconsider my decision. Get on it! Strutz the Cat.
Today is Saint Vinaigrette's Day. It honors Sir Vinaigrette, the knight who slew the last known Dragon and rescued the last known maiden.

All hail the knight,
Who slew the last dragon,
Took his head and left,
His tail wagging.
Now that dragons are no more,
Knighthood is going to be a bore.
No more maidens to rescue from their jaws,
No more peasants to rescue from their claws,
Farewell fearsome dragons!
We knights raise our flagons,
And salute you one last time,
Stalwart beasts of gore and grime
Count Sneaky
on St. Vinaigrette's Day

The Luddite's Ball will be held in conjunction with the Pecadillo's Ball this month and features the Hollow Log Band. It will be held at the Lake Bohemia Pavilion, out where the buses don't run.
Meet me tonight in Dreamland. Happy Hour is 9pm 'til 9am
The Cotillion for Debutantes with Intellectual Pretentions was held in the
Soda City Library and all had a fine time and the discussions entre-dances
were very well rehearsed and focused.
Current read: Solving Pest Problems by James G. Buckstopper, Frog Hair Press, 2009. 198 pages. Now, what I'm wondering is : Why should we solve problems for pest? Let the little buggers do it themselves.
How to stay fit: Eat cumquats three times a day and do
fifty reps of diddly-squats.
Left to himself...a hermit will generally be left to himself. Pinkam's Law.
Worm wrestling is a rapidly growing underground sport.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Little Miss Bo Peep,
Lost all of her sheep,
But, she gave assurance,
That she had insurance,
So they paid without a peep.



Star light, star bright.

First star I see tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight,

And God bless Mommy and Daddy,

And my dog Snot!



When I was in elementary school many, many long years ago I walked to school with the little girl that lived down the street from me. I thought of her as "Ann of the fair face and golden locks." Even then I was intrigued with the creatures. One day I told her that I had heard on the radio that they were building a dam site better than required for a reservoir outside of town.

She shuddered, clamped her hand over her mouth and dropped her books on the sidewalk. She said I should never use such foul, profane language in her presence again! When I got home I told my mother what I said and she chased me and my dog through the screen door and out into the yard yelling at me never to use such foul, profane language in her presence again!

The next day "Ann of the fair face,etc." deigned to accompany me to and from school if I would agree never to use such language in her presence again...henceforth and forever! I said, "Oh, hell yes!" I joyfully cried, confident of my feral charm.

I told my dog Snot that I didn't think anyone understood me but him. He promptly peed on my leg while watching Ann of the etc. run home as fast as her little legs would carry her.

But, she forgave me the next day when I presented her with some treats that I had wrapped with a nice red, fancy bow in a golden box. She didn't have to know that they were some chewies that my mother had bought for Snot.

I told my father what I had done and he couldn't keep a straight face around my mother for days. I knew which side my little butt was buttered on .








I learned as a boy that frogs don't cause warts

...toads do!


My mother once gave me a book entitled,

"The Emotional Lives of Cats."

It had an introduction followed by 400 blank pages.


Lucy had some charm, it's true,

'Cause Lucy did what Lucy do!


Sunday, March 8, 2009

" I will only marry you, Harold...if you promise
never to use my bathroom!"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Waltz with me, Willie,
Let's twirl and swirl.
Maybe, you'll forget Millie,
And I'll be your girl.
Let's dance the Vienna,
Or even the Tennessee,
We'll dance through dinner,
And the drinks are on me.
Look in my eyes and sigh.
Tell me you love me, silly ,
And I'll know you lie.
So, waltz with me, Willie!
Count Sneaky


A young man named Sealyham,

Filled his balloon with helium,

Caught a breeze,

Stifiled a sneeze,

And said,"I'm off to New Zelium!"

Count Sneaky


There was a maiden named Thalia,

Who despised failure.

Beautiful and chaste,

She refused to marry in haste,

Until offered Queen's regalia.

Count Sneaky


A new planet, named Simoneades, was discovered last week by astronomers in California. How it got to California is not known.


A man was finally found after a nationwide search for a male who refuses to take charge of his tv's remote control.


TIP OF THE WEEK: You can put new wine in old bottles. Who's going to know, or mention it?


Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I'm looking for Mr. Right,

Every day and night.

The good ones are taken,

The rest are godforsaken.

But, I'm not dismayed.

My hand's not played,

And I'm not bereft,

So, I'll settle for what's left.
Count Sneaky

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

You straighten my hair. You make me swear.
You curl my toes. You stop up my nose.
I think I hate you!
You make me weak. You kiss my cheek.
You make me dream. You make me scream.
I think I hate you!
You are a temptation. You are an aggravation.
You are trouble unalloyed. You are schizoid.
I think I hate you!
You are my hearthrob. You are a thingabob.
You are a catastrophe. You have mastered me.
I think I love you!
Count Sneaky
There was a lady named Sue,
Who went to get a tattoo.
When she came out,
She said with a shout,
"He had designs on me, too!"
Count Sneaky