Count Sneaky's Journal

Little Girls

AS LITTLE BOYS

SEE

LITTLE GIRLS...

***

They're made of bile,

And everything vile.

***

With little dresses,

And long tresses,

****

Topped off with a smile,

Wicked as a country mile!

***

Count Sneaky

OFFICE MOMENTS...

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My cup runneth over...so does my desk!
***

You got your troubles, I got mine...Now shut up

and listen to mine!

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I can dog-paddle 'til Friday!

***

Tell me about it...I got my boots on!

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The marriage didn't work because I'm digital

and she's analogue.

***

When I lost my last job before this one, I realized

the value of little things...my job, my salary,

my benefits...

***

Actually, most of my quality time is spent

in Wal-Mart...

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Welcome to my Abyss...let's just sit here and stare

into it for a few minutes.

***

Welcome to my cage. You rattled?

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No, Jackson, don't look at as being "fired"... You're

being "negatively hired!"

***

Count Sneaky

THOUGHTS FOR YOUR PENNY...

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When I hear life is a "Journey" one more time...

I'm going to demand I see your ticket!

***

My inner voice is bringing out my need for

a hearing aid.

***

Life is like, "I just can't believe I did that!"

***

I never quiet rise to the occasion when I

can crawl under it.

***

When my coat-of-arms dropped off the wall,

I was crest-fallen.

***

I wasn't born yesterday...I was born in the last century

***

My family sold me to some gypsies when I was three.

It worked until they demanded a refund.

***

Count Sneaky

Forgive my hearing loss.

I just got back from

two weeks of

Banjo Camp!

Count Sneaky

PARTY TIME...

Senator Dipp was a conservative backer,

A party whip and talleywhacker.

He kept them in line,

And made them dine,

On an oyster and a cracker.

Count Sneaky

A man named Chad arranged a tryst,

With a lady who had never been kist.

She resisted his advances,

Which reduced her chances,

Of ever living in sweet marital blyst.

Count Sneaky

SERENADE

Sailing on a cappucino sea,

In a lovely chocolate mocha ship.

Drop anchor in Cocoa Bay,

Put in a straw for a long sweet sip,

And drink your troubles away.

***

Count Sneaky

While visiting in Argentina,

A fellow bought a concertina.

He played it well,

But, his wife said,

"You shoulda bought a vacuum cleaner!"

Count Sneaky

GLAMOR

There was a lady named Druscilla,

Of glamor she had only a scintilla,

But, she made up her mind,

Put her dreams behind,

and settled for plain vanilla.

Count Sneaky

AS LITTLE GIRLS SEE LITTLE BOYS

They're made vicious,

And totally malicious,

With nasty tongues,

And very big lungs,

Topped off with a grin,

Wicked as any 'ol sin.

Count Sneaky

Senior Moments

"Stop yelling, 'DAMAGE REPORT!', every time the grand kids leave!"

***

"Of course it's not your size, Maude. They don't make your size!"

***

"You're down to your last marbles, Earl. Don't push it!"

***

"It's fat-free, no cholesterol, and no calories. Don't ask what it is!"

***

"My daddy says that when he was a boy, you were a young man.

Is that true, Grandpa?"

***

"Same old same old, Earl. But, I think you will be intrigued

by its piquant bouquet and slightly fruity taste!"

***

"I've done the big five oh! I've done the big six oh! Now, I'm working

on the big OH NO!

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"Dinner will be ready shortly. There's just enough time to mow

the lawn; trim the hedges; carry out the trash; and fix that leaky faucet."

***

"No, Maude, I am not going to stop and ask for directions...what

difference does it make WHERE we're going!"

***

Count Sneaky

COUNT SNEAKY'S RUMINATIONS...

1. I make it a rule never to boldly go where no man has gone

before.

***

2. Funny, I don't remember collecting $2oo as I went past go

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3. Every day is a new opportunity to screw things up.

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4. Life IS worth living! In fact, that's the only way it can be done!

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5. If your life resembles a garbage dump,

just think of it as an environmentally-sound landfill.

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6. I had a kit and caboodle...until I misplaced the caboodle.

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7. Fortunately, growing up has its own compensations,

although I can't think of any.

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8. Thanks to Prozac my head is in a better place where

it can't do any harm.

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9. If opportunity knocks, it's probably selling something.

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10. Nobody said life was fair or easy, but it comes

with a lifetime guarantee.

***

Count Sneaky

FOR THE CHILDREN...

TRAIN TO TOOKY-DOO

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Let's drive the train to Tookey-Doo,

I'll open it up and see what it can do!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Now we're rolling up to five miles per.

Just enough to feel the engine purr!

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Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Up to ten, gotta lot of coal in the bin,

The fireman shovels away with a grin!

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Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Now we are rolling up to past twenty,

And we still have a head of steam aplenty!

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Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Push the levers and pull the throttle,

Take a drink from the water bottle!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Oh! Wow!...We're up to thirty-five,

Don,t it make you just feel alive!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Pull the whistle! Crossing ahead!

We're hitting forty-five , by Ned!

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Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

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Now we're rolling along at near fifty.

This is so wind-in-the- hair nifty!

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Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

I love driving the train to Tookey-Doo,

'Cause it don't go to Timbuktoo!

***

Count Sneaky

To say:" I love you, but I'm not ready for a commitment
yet." Try a bouquet of shrinking violets, very loosely arranged.

***

To say: "I love you, but that stupid cat has to go!"

Try an attractive arrangement of pussywillows with catnip.

***

To say: "I need my space, babe!" Try a dozen bachelor's-buttons

wrapped in tinfoil

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To say: "I'm really into you. Let's get on with it!" Try a bunch of impatiens

hastily wrapped in newspaper.

***

To say: "Would you marry me ? I think I'm ready!" Try a spray of

jack-in-the- pulpits wrapped in white paper.

***

The crayfish had a ball in May,

Invited all the crustaceans in the bay,

When it was finally over,

They were all in clover,

And were made into etouffee.

My thanks to Dave Hambidge (hambocentral.blogspot.com) for including

me in his e-book, Blogging for Newbies, as one of the

"Best of the Newer Fiction Blogs."

The Count is honored.

Oh, dress my lady in puce and green,

Give her a mirror and watch her preen.

She's adorable in her glitz and glitter,

And extremely proficient in Twitter.

Count Sneaky