AUTHOR, AUTHOR!





Breathes there a blogger with soul so dead...that he does not wish to be a published author? My friend, Dudley Jejune, reports:
"Count, I have written two published books. The first was "The Quotable Marcel Marceau" and it got no favorable reviews. In fact, the publisher donated the entire first edition to the state of Florida who used it to build an artificial reef off the west coast near Tampa. And then I wrote "The Wit and Wisdom of Calvin Coolidge" and it became an artificial reef on the east coast of Florida. But, that's the publishing business, I guess. If you wish to invest the toil, tears, and shattered relationships involved in writing books...OK! Just make sure your work is relevant and timely like the work I have in progress now. It is entitled " An Introduction to Humorous Mathematical Equations" and was co-authored by my ex-wife.
All in all, the best advice I can give to blog writers out there is: If at first you don't succeed, have yourself stuffed back into the cannon and shot out again. You're bound to hit something sooner or later as my ex-wife has pointed out. Watch your dangling participles and split infinitives. Dudley."


Another aspiring author, Hedley Hemstitch, writes: "Count Sneaky,
I have been thinking of some advice to give aspiring bloggers who wish to be published authors and, frankly, I would advise them to avoid the temptation to sleep in the woods twice a week. You may fill a void, but you can't keep one from leaking. My new unpublished self-help book, "Idiot-Proof Your Home...Move Out!" has aroused some interest at Compost Publishing and I expect to have my phone calls returned any day now."


Finally, Nicole Tortoise reports that her latest unpublished novel, "Ducks In a Row," has been favorably received by Lemonade Press and
is being considered, though it does not meet their present needs or reader lists. She advises that one keep a low profile and a large,vicious dog.

Thanks Nic. Keep us informed; we're pulling for you!


I know it's tough to keep a blog going and write books too. But, I think these folks prove it can be done...or at least attempted. At any rate, the only advice that the Count can give after the rejection of his latest epic work, "Dairy Farming for Everyone," is: Don't cry over spilled milk!

"Do not mess with me! Do not touch me!
I'm recycling!"

"So, have a hissy fit!"

"It doesn't come in YOUR size!"

"Fill in the blank. Kiss my ____!"

"Your incompetence without arrogance
is refreshing!"

"What's on your mind...if you'll allow
the overstatement?"

"I'm only into this relationship
for the food and fireplace."

"If you're a few bricks short of a load...
Don't take the truck out of the brickyard!"

"Can you spell hemorrhoids, Mr. Rogers?"

...From the Diary of Strutz the Cat

MEETING NOTICES:

All times and gathering places are subject to change.

Don't call...we just run the notices, people!

1. The Society for the Preservation of Antique Water Closets reports that it is flush with new members and is getting a handle on it's recent cash overflow problems, reports President Basil Bubonik.

2. Ye Olde Societie for Ye Preservation of Antique Spellinque meets

on ye first Maundy of ye olde moonth. Discombobulation about ye tyme

of ye meetings is hereby rendered franductable. Jayme Poltroon, Secry.and Pettifogger-in- Chyef.

3. NOTICE: The society for the Preservation of Extinct Species has called it quits because it cannot recruit new members to replace the older, departed members. It hopes, according to Fred Trilobite, Founder, to reorganize at some time in the future.

4. Reservations are being taken now for the Annual Artist's Ball in

City next month. "You do not have to be able to draw to attend!"

emphasized Margo Modjeska, organizer and life class model.

5. The Worshipful Company of Melon Stompin', Seed Spittin', Stump Jumpin', Pumpkin Rollin', Hog Rangers over at Soda City have their

Annual Barbeque, Hose Down, and Initiation Ceremonies next week. Get in touch with "Skeeter" Shinglehammer for details and tickets. All proceeds go to The Soda City Twilight Home. It pomises to be a goat-gagger!

6. A book signing will be held at Grabwell's Book Boutique and Bar in the city all this week to celebrate the publication of Vicky Vichyssoise's new book entitled "Jump-Starting Your Ego With Vicky V." It's Miss V.'s

first tome and was published by the Woodchuck Press, a cheap, vanity press operation of a major publisher. Miss V. will autograph copies and buy drinks from 5:oo on.

7. NOTICE: Evening classes in "The Zen of Feng Shui and Yoga" will be featured held at the Upstate Bucklehuck Technical College for all interested seniors and others on the 18th Hole of Life. Call Kitty Wampus at ext. 999.9 after 5:00 except on weekends, holidays, and uneven weeks.

8. The Shinola Society will hold educational Seminars for those wishing to be able to become qualified and discriminating members. Call or come your local chapter's lodgings.

9. The Notary Sojac over at Silo City has retired and a replacement is being sought. Congratulations to Heidi Alfresco for 35 years of service.

Heidi plans to operate a website and do a little "horsin' around" as she puts it at the Silo City Riding Academy and Saddle Clinic.

10. LAST CHANCE: Sign up now for "Recondite Wines and Esoteric

Viniagrettes of Obscure Hostiliers of Chaumont and Montpelier", at Lugnut University Extension Division for Adult Education and Diversion. Contact: Finan Haddi, ext: 00012390

We will continue to post notices as they are availale or amusing.

HISTORICAL NOTE OF DUBIOUS ORIGIN:

In 1563 dancing bears were taught to do the tango.

They were never quite able to do it well, and the

practice was abandoned in royal courts by 1575

when the bears unionized and were sold to gypsies

who taught them, quite sucessfully, to do the

fandango! They adapted to caravan life and can still

be found in remote corners of Europe and Asia

where they now do the Texas two-step and the

Viennese Waltz .

IN AN EFFORT TO PROVIDE Social graces and

a little enjoyment in these hard times, the Count

publishes the secret of doing the WALTZ:

1. Grip. (when the music starts.) Dip, then Trip,

1 and 2, Dip, then Trip, 1 and 2... and repeat until music stops.

Look into her eyes and try to convince her you aren't

really the Dip you seemed to be.

NOW A LITTLE LATE NEWS:

A little, very late, breaking February news that is.

THE GROUNDHOG

Punxsutawney Phil

went over the hill,

Refused to predict the weather.

Said Channel 4 could do it better!

Weatherman Bill

Was brought into fill,

But he quit too,

For a post at Channel 2.

C.S.

Remember, if the groundhog sees his shadow it means six more

weeks of weather reports from the Weather Channel.

NEWS FROM SODA CITY THIS WEEK.

Sadly, the Soda City Sentinel reported this week that

Bo Cooterhugger died this week. He was the first in the county

to rediscover the lost art of making Swamp Dew, a very potent form

of moonshine that had thought to be a forgotten process.

He was buried Tuesday at Sunset Memorial Park, his body

in one coffin and his liver in another. He will be missed.

The Soda City Genetic Research Foundation reported this week that its studies revealed that webbed feet are an inherited mutation in families

that eat frog legs more than three times a week. "Further studies are

required to establish a definitive link" said Dr. Fletcher Firewall.

The Soda City Sentinel reminds you that while "Necessity" may be the

mother of invention, "Advertising" is its father.

The Immortal Mark Twain once observed:

"What sir, would the people of the earth be

without women? They would be scarce, sir,

almighty scarce!"

MS. WILCOX'S MASTERPIECE...

All of you know the world-famous first two lines of this poem but how

many know the rest of the poem or the author's name? For you, dear reader, here 'tis:

"SOLITUDE"

Laugh and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow it its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

They bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from voicing care.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

OK, the rest of the poem does not approach the lyrical

first two lines and it sounds like 19th century melancholy;

well, it is just that. But the first two lines resonate in the

memory like few others. Ms. Wheeler died in 1919 but we

will never forget these two lines. A my fifth-grade teacher,

Miss Dazzlerag used to say to me, "Fungo infections are

spread by Little League teams!" Well, no, that's not it.

She said, "Remember, Count...marry a seamstress and

she will keep you in stitches!" She had slipped her moorings

a few years back but she was a laugh a minute and had crying

fits on the hour. Yet she was a cultured and charming lady and she

chose one of us every year to be her "teacher's pet" ; it was my

good fortune to be chosen during the year I spent in her class.

Actually, the rest of the boys in the class got together and promised me a

quarter from each every day if I would be the "teacher's pet." This was an

offer the Count couldn't refuse. My duties consisted of dusting the

blackboard erasers and staying after school occassionally to listen to

her troubles with the staff, the principal, and her boy friend, the town

banker. In return, I got grades above my actual efforts and an upclose

look at a lovely squirrel. She later married her long time romance,

the town banker, and retired from trying to civilize little hellions

like us and settled down to a life of leisure and culture. Soon, she became

the belle dame of society and produced three well-mannered hellions of

her own. She reminded everyone that... a "lady" is a "lady" is a "lady."

PONDERING THE POOCH...

Here's a thought, borrowed of course, but nevertheless,
rather beguiling. Consider this little prayer quoted by E. Tolle:

"O Lord, help me to make myself into the person
that my dog thinks I am!"

Nice! Of course, if you're a cat fancier...well, a cat looks at you
and sees central heating and air conditioning, a quiet, safe,
place to nap, and a steady supply of nutrition. Understandable,
if not particularly inspiring. Rover, on the other hand,
would accompany Atilla the Hun and pillage with him
without a second thought.
The Count has no desire to start an argument with dog or cat
lovers. He has had several of both animals in his long life and
and knows well the fun and comfort they both can bring to their
owners. Well, actually, cats don't have owners...they merely
favor you with their presence as long as it's in their interest.
The pooch, on the other hand, made a wrong turn at the last
universe and thinks you are God.

We shall not mention birds, snakes, ferrets, and other pets which have their own partisans and perhaps their own virtues; but they can not

hold a candle to the sheer numbers of Man's Best Friend and Man's

Best Freeloader. The Pooch and The Mooch! OK! Just kidding.

Think about it. You are worthy of unconditional love and conditional

love... just like real life and as long as you think so too, you are spared

many self-destructive feelings and emotions. Give them a treat and a

pat on the head from the Count.

Alright, suppose you're a cat fancier and your love is a dog lover...

what then, Oh, Sneakaroo? Well, perhaps you both should look into

compromising on a bird, snake, ferret, or, perhaps fish! How romantic;

watching a tank of Guppies blow bubbles. Calm down fish fanciers;

just having a little fun.

A Couple Of Pet Lover Bumper Strips:

1. MY DOG CAN LICK ANYONE!

2. MY CAT JUST BIT YOUR HONOR STUDENT!

Miscellaneous Notes________________________

1. Frogs have no ribs.

2. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

They don't need to!

3. A moose is a tall cow with funny horns.

4. Why do they call skunks: polecats? They

aren't cats and they can't climb poles.

5. After I got my ducks in a row... someone

starting shooting at them!

6. The most difficult problem Mother Nature

had to work out was porcupine love.

7. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...

but you can make a sow very mad!

8. Our parrot is in love with a duck. He keeps

squawking, "Polly want a quacker!"

9. Cross a Poodle with a Springer Spaniel and

you get a Poodlejumper.

10. Monkey see...monkey do...just like me...

just like you!

11. Owning your own groundhog is probably

not a good idea.

12. The minutes from the last meeting of the

Society for the Preservation of Extinct

Species were misplaced.

13. To cows nothing is quite as cool as a

pasture dance!

14. A fashion designer is someone who

would put zippers on a marsupial.

Now for the children. A little of the Count's

Hair of the Doggerel That Bit You:

When lions eat grass,

What'll come to pass?

When polar bears turn red,

What more can then be said?

When cats learn to fetch and heel,

How'll we ever know how they feel?

When pigs learn to fly,

What'll we do with the sty?

When turtles lose control,

Do they slowly rock and roll?

When dogs learn to rollerskate

Will it affect my insurance rate?

Love me - love my dog,

But what if I have a hog?

Would you be mine,

If I gave up my swine?

C.S.

The Count would like to remind you that this site

is a total mess and is always under construction.

Just step over things and send along any suggestions

and comments you deem appropriate. The Count

graciously welcomes them all. To paraphrase

Ambrose Bierce , "Politeness is quite acceptable

hypocracy and badly needed today!"

Now, to bring you up to date on Aristotle the gorilla

for those who asked (both of you.):

The Soda City Sentinel reports that Aristotle the 650lb.

gorilla (Hereabouts, he is known as "Aristotle the ape,"

after an imbroglio at the home of Buster Inabinet, was tranquilized

and returned to his home at the Harwell Zoo and Animal Farm.

He was greeted by his mate Zelda, with a newborn on each

breast, with a right cross followed by a left hook. Crestfallen, he

retired to his corner and stroked his chin trying to figure out the

events of the past day. He paused in his meditation long enough

to direct a few hand gestures to the zoo visitors. His antics have

increased zoo attendance by 500% and the handlers have increased

the hunt for a new mate. Zelda seems quite happy with her twins

and they are a great new attraction also. The Zoo Direct, Herb

Pintail, sees a banner year ahead for the attraction which started

out in 1978 as a roadside snake show featuring Mozart, a seven-foot

Reticulated Python with a bad birthmark.

Herb reminds us that is correct to refer to a neutered poodle

as a "noodle."

Now, A little more of the Count's doggerel for the little ones:

Hickeyjiggers make good pets.

They are caught without nets.

They require little care,

And are very, very rare-

Their numbers are few to none,

So, the trick is finding one!

C.S.

Interesting words for your blogs: Blither, Blithering,

Blather, Blathering,Blink, Blinking, Heave, Heaving,

Slather, Slathering, Piddle, Piddling, Slither, Slithering,

Fuddled, Befuddled, Flog, Flogging, Engorge, Engorging,

Fenestration, Defenestration,Prenasal, Postnasal, Midnasal,

Nonpartisan, Bipartisan, Partisan,Undesended, Middling,

Bifurcated, Trifurcated, Obverse, Reverse, Transverse,

Tweak, Squeak, Poltroon, Picaroon, Impaired, Repaired,

Kaboodle, Kanoodle,Vibrocentric, Egocentric, Gaucheries,

Grotesqueries, Semiliterate, Demiliterate, Illiterate, Preliterate,

and, of course, Knobbleknockers, Booyah, Hunkering, Feral,

Cobbling, Bovinery, Lollygagging, Claptrappery, Heliotrope,

Taupe and Puce. There, only a partial (dustknuckling) list of

Frolication!

Welcome to Count Sneaky's Electric Notebook wherein you will find Moral and Refined Entertainment, Unique and Original for Ladies and Gentlemen of All Ages . Here there be no dragons. Here there be as the late "Chuckles the Clown" said, "A little song, a little dance, a shot of seltzer down the pants!" Build a few castles in the air ...rent them out to friends or spend a little time there yourself to find respite from this
all too serious world. As the Count has said many times, "Nobody knows the truffles I've seen!" The Count has learned a lot about the world from
the Jiffy Lube waiting room to the artist's booths in Montmarte, the Wal-Mart snack bar to the Black Forest, the local car wash to the mountains of Haiti. The Count is older than his ties and younger than his ambitions.
So, let us kick back and enjoy a few moments of merriment.

This blog is a work in progress. The graphics are horrible...the layout is absymal and the pavement and drainage is a mess. So, hang with me
and share those moral and refined amusements and unique funny incidents along with any of your favorite eccentricities (so long as they're funny) with the Count. Remember, to suffer fools gladly...some of them maybe your relatives! My Best, Count Sneaky