Count Sneaky's Journal

Little Girls

AS LITTLE BOYS

SEE

LITTLE GIRLS...

***

They're made of bile,

And everything vile.

***

With little dresses,

And long tresses,

****

Topped off with a smile,

Wicked as a country mile!

***

Count Sneaky

OFFICE MOMENTS...

***
My cup runneth over...so does my desk!
***

You got your troubles, I got mine...Now shut up

and listen to mine!

***

I can dog-paddle 'til Friday!

***

Tell me about it...I got my boots on!

***

The marriage didn't work because I'm digital

and she's analogue.

***

When I lost my last job before this one, I realized

the value of little things...my job, my salary,

my benefits...

***

Actually, most of my quality time is spent

in Wal-Mart...

***

Welcome to my Abyss...let's just sit here and stare

into it for a few minutes.

***

Welcome to my cage. You rattled?

***

No, Jackson, don't look at as being "fired"... You're

being "negatively hired!"

***

Count Sneaky

THOUGHTS FOR YOUR PENNY...

***

When I hear life is a "Journey" one more time...

I'm going to demand I see your ticket!

***

My inner voice is bringing out my need for

a hearing aid.

***

Life is like, "I just can't believe I did that!"

***

I never quiet rise to the occasion when I

can crawl under it.

***

When my coat-of-arms dropped off the wall,

I was crest-fallen.

***

I wasn't born yesterday...I was born in the last century

***

My family sold me to some gypsies when I was three.

It worked until they demanded a refund.

***

Count Sneaky

Forgive my hearing loss.

I just got back from

two weeks of

Banjo Camp!

Count Sneaky

PARTY TIME...

Senator Dipp was a conservative backer,

A party whip and talleywhacker.

He kept them in line,

And made them dine,

On an oyster and a cracker.

Count Sneaky

A man named Chad arranged a tryst,

With a lady who had never been kist.

She resisted his advances,

Which reduced her chances,

Of ever living in sweet marital blyst.

Count Sneaky

SERENADE

Sailing on a cappucino sea,

In a lovely chocolate mocha ship.

Drop anchor in Cocoa Bay,

Put in a straw for a long sweet sip,

And drink your troubles away.

***

Count Sneaky

While visiting in Argentina,

A fellow bought a concertina.

He played it well,

But, his wife said,

"You shoulda bought a vacuum cleaner!"

Count Sneaky

GLAMOR

There was a lady named Druscilla,

Of glamor she had only a scintilla,

But, she made up her mind,

Put her dreams behind,

and settled for plain vanilla.

Count Sneaky

AS LITTLE GIRLS SEE LITTLE BOYS

They're made vicious,

And totally malicious,

With nasty tongues,

And very big lungs,

Topped off with a grin,

Wicked as any 'ol sin.

Count Sneaky

Senior Moments

"Stop yelling, 'DAMAGE REPORT!', every time the grand kids leave!"

***

"Of course it's not your size, Maude. They don't make your size!"

***

"You're down to your last marbles, Earl. Don't push it!"

***

"It's fat-free, no cholesterol, and no calories. Don't ask what it is!"

***

"My daddy says that when he was a boy, you were a young man.

Is that true, Grandpa?"

***

"Same old same old, Earl. But, I think you will be intrigued

by its piquant bouquet and slightly fruity taste!"

***

"I've done the big five oh! I've done the big six oh! Now, I'm working

on the big OH NO!

***

"Dinner will be ready shortly. There's just enough time to mow

the lawn; trim the hedges; carry out the trash; and fix that leaky faucet."

***

"No, Maude, I am not going to stop and ask for directions...what

difference does it make WHERE we're going!"

***

Count Sneaky

COUNT SNEAKY'S RUMINATIONS...

1. I make it a rule never to boldly go where no man has gone

before.

***

2. Funny, I don't remember collecting $2oo as I went past go

***

3. Every day is a new opportunity to screw things up.

***

4. Life IS worth living! In fact, that's the only way it can be done!

***

5. If your life resembles a garbage dump,

just think of it as an environmentally-sound landfill.

***

6. I had a kit and caboodle...until I misplaced the caboodle.

***

7. Fortunately, growing up has its own compensations,

although I can't think of any.

***

8. Thanks to Prozac my head is in a better place where

it can't do any harm.

***

9. If opportunity knocks, it's probably selling something.

***

10. Nobody said life was fair or easy, but it comes

with a lifetime guarantee.

***

Count Sneaky

FOR THE CHILDREN...

TRAIN TO TOOKY-DOO

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Let's drive the train to Tookey-Doo,

I'll open it up and see what it can do!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Now we're rolling up to five miles per.

Just enough to feel the engine purr!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Up to ten, gotta lot of coal in the bin,

The fireman shovels away with a grin!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Now we are rolling up to past twenty,

And we still have a head of steam aplenty!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Push the levers and pull the throttle,

Take a drink from the water bottle!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Oh! Wow!...We're up to thirty-five,

Don,t it make you just feel alive!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Pull the whistle! Crossing ahead!

We're hitting forty-five , by Ned!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

Now we're rolling along at near fifty.

This is so wind-in-the- hair nifty!

***

Rattle, Rattle, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

***

I love driving the train to Tookey-Doo,

'Cause it don't go to Timbuktoo!

***

Count Sneaky

To say:" I love you, but I'm not ready for a commitment
yet." Try a bouquet of shrinking violets, very loosely arranged.

***

To say: "I love you, but that stupid cat has to go!"

Try an attractive arrangement of pussywillows with catnip.

***

To say: "I need my space, babe!" Try a dozen bachelor's-buttons

wrapped in tinfoil

***

To say: "I'm really into you. Let's get on with it!" Try a bunch of impatiens

hastily wrapped in newspaper.

***

To say: "Would you marry me ? I think I'm ready!" Try a spray of

jack-in-the- pulpits wrapped in white paper.

***

The crayfish had a ball in May,

Invited all the crustaceans in the bay,

When it was finally over,

They were all in clover,

And were made into etouffee.

My thanks to Dave Hambidge (hambocentral.blogspot.com) for including

me in his e-book, Blogging for Newbies, as one of the

"Best of the Newer Fiction Blogs."

The Count is honored.

Oh, dress my lady in puce and green,

Give her a mirror and watch her preen.

She's adorable in her glitz and glitter,

And extremely proficient in Twitter.

Count Sneaky

MONIQUE

Lovely Monique had a physique,

Everyone thought came from a boutique,

So, she decided to show them all,

And that Fall came to the Ball,

Wearing nothing

At all.

Count Sneaky

MOVE OVER, ROVER!

Don't fret, don't fuss, don't even cuss.

Your house is big enough for both of us!

I know its your domicile,

But it's only for a while.

Until she gets over her hissy fit,

You and I, Pal, will just sit.

***

When you get thrown out the door,

It's nice to own a big Labrador.

So, move over, Rover.

Move over, Friend!

Tomorrow, we will be back in the den

***

Count Sneaky

"What would I do with a piece of your mind?

***

"Well, Kemo Sabe, What do we do now!"

***

"Oh! Be still my beating heart!"

***

"If beauty is only skin deep, how deep

does it need to go?"

***

"A fool and his money will have a good time!"

***

"If you are a few bricks short of a load,

don't take the truck out of the brickyard!"

***

"Of course you don't need a nose job...

it works doesn't it?"

***

"Do you know anyone who has never stuck

a Q-Tip in his ear!"

***

"The early bird still has to eat worms!"

***

"Taco Bell is suing a rival for copyright

infringement to get its ding dong back!"

***

"Two wrongs don't make a right,

but sometimes they make a maybe!"

***

"Is there anything men can't do working

together? Yeah. They can't read a manual!"

***

"Politics is the art of possibly doing

the possible if possible!"

***

"Do not live in a glasshouse if you are

a stone's throw from your neighbor!"

***

"My ancestors came on over the

Mayflower...in the brig!"

***

"You spent a mountain of money

to buy a molehill!"

***

"Wooda, coulda, shoulda...didya?"

***

"Go talk to Rover...You're sleeping

in his house tonight!"

***

Diana, Princess of Wales

My asters are disasters.

My lillies aren't dillies.
My daffodills hold no thrills.
I look at the gladioli and just sigh.
My wisteria has diptheria.

If it gets any worse,
It'll be the curse,
That comes down,
When a green thumb turns brown.

Count Sneaky

Bless my rusty dusty, Father,

For I have sinned,

I wet my crib after,

My diaper came unpinned.

***

I know I'm a lot of bother,

An' create a lot of trouble,

'Cause I just lay here,

An' goo-goo an' bubble.

***

But, I'll get bigger,

An' make plenty of money,

Meantine, you and mom,

Just call me Honey.

Count Sneaky

STRUTZ'S NEW HOME.

Hi Count. I'm sending along a picture of my new home. I'm

somewhere in Indiana in a rather medium-sized city.

My big rig trucker buddy stopped at "Big Phil's" Truck

Haven, and I liked what I saw here. I hated to leave my trucker

buddy because I had ridden shotgun with him for weeks looking

for I found here. I had listened to all his stories, all his women

problems,and anything that crossed his mind from cussing

other drivers to singing along with his country music CDs.

He fed me well and scratched my head...he was my "buddy"

and I hated to leave him and "Madelaine," his big-rig truck's

name, but I saw these houses on the hill a few blocks away.

My trucker buddy had just ordered his meal and I was sitting

on the restaurant's window waiting on him. So, I took off to

check out the houses and after a quick run I was there. Wow!

The Jackpot! Details to follow.

THIS MONTH IN HISTORY

In 1513, the Spanish explorer, Ponce de Leon, cruised up

and down the Florida coast looking for promising

sites to establish gated communities, retirement

villages, oceanfront condos, and strip malls.

C.S.

****************************************************

There was a lovely lass from Dorset,

Who cinched up her corset,

Buttoned her dress again,

Tied her bonnet under her chin,

And said, "Love, let's do it again!"

C.S.

*****************************************************

Touch us gently, Time!

We've not proud nor soaring wings:

Our ambition, our content,

Lies in simple things.

Bryan Waller Proctor

UPDATE: STRUTZ
Yo, Count, as you can see I’m beginning to talk like my trucker buddies.
I guess it’s ‘cause I’m around them so much, and I’m so well known now
in trucker circles that they all love to give me a saucer of milk and talk to me.
I think I’ve become a sort of a shotgun-seat psychologist to these men
and women. Out on Interstate 39, rolling along at 70 per, next stop 350
miles away, they start to unburden themselves to me. Their love life,
their divorces, their children, their operations, their goals, their
bills, and the price of gas. Of course, being a cat, a superior creature,
it’s hard to grasp their problems and concerns, especially the price of gas.
So, every time we make a stop at the rest area, I take care of my business
And go over to the store to see if I can con them out of a saucer of milk before
my trucker comes along and buys me a can of (YUK!) evaporated milk.
At any rate, I go to the door of the restaurant and a trucker or two will come
along and let me in and I run back to the kitchen and do my act and the
cooks give me treats and then put me out the back door. Then I run around to
my truck and wait for my good buddy to come back and…
“We’re On the Road Again!”
Mercy! Strutz the Cat

Being and quirkiness: How vs why?

Being and quirkiness: How vs why?

Pretty Mollie met Ollie on the trolley,

Her friend Polly said, "By golly,"

"He'd be my folly, if were you, Molly!"

"But", said Molly "I date Wally."

"I'll take him!" said Polly,

Now, it's all so jolly,

Riding on the trolley'

With Polly and Wally,

Mollie and Ollie.

C.S.

Sweet and Sour: Untitled

Sweet and Sour: Untitled

Hello again Count! I'm somewhere east of I95 and west of I45 in other words the cat is lost. But I have to say that truckers are wonderful people as humans go (No slight intended to you), and they have treated me very well. They get me saucers of milk, and even cans of food and I get to ride shotgun with them in their cabs. They talk to me as we ride along. It's a lonely job and they welcome company. I pick one at the truck stop who seems to be going the way I want to go and I wait until the driver comes out and I go up and rub his leg (see picture)...I then walk over to his truck and climb up on the running board and meow loudly. Well, they get the message, open the door and let me hop in.I sit up there looking out like I know what I'm doing. They rub my head and call me "Buddy" and we hit the road. As we are rolling down the highway, they rub my head and tell me their problems. My presence, and I am a large, handsome cat, seems to relieve the stress of piloting one of these giant ships of commerce. God bless 'em, they are a hardy, generous, group of humans and I see a truck stop coming up at a small town that looks interesting. I may have to leave my new friend Bubba behind and check it out. Oh, meant to tell you, the downtown mansion I was interested in at the last stop was a dud. Its owner was a little, old gray-haired lady who had a house full of (Yuk!) Yorkshire Terriers! So, I'm sitting here with Bubba thinking of Fluffy.

Hope to let you know how this burg works out the first the week.

Strutz the Cat

Sitting here under a moon in June,

I'm about ready to croon,

Something about a honey moon,

Then I'll up and swoon 'n try a new toon,

'Cause I'm sittin' here with a real baboon.

C.S.

"Sir! It behooves me to reprove you

for the move you made in the Louvre!"

she said adjusting her blouse as they stepped

out into the sunlight .

"However, if again you'd like to try...

I know a lovely place in the Gardens of Versailles."

Hi Count, As you can see by the attached picture above, it has been a fine week, so far. This is a picture of my amor de jour named "Fluffy" (what else?) She is a refined young lady whose tastes match mine. We have been a item for the last few days and her housekeeper (remember, we never refer to them as owners!) even let me in to eat with her and sit beside her at the fireplace. But, alas, her housekeepers left a lot to be desired in the income and accommodations departments. But, she was such a lovely lady and so susceptible to my natural charm and good looks, that I almost wavered. I'm back on the road and continuing my pursuit of the good life.

I hitched a ride with a trucker over to the next city. He apparently felt sorry for me and poured me a large saucer of milk. This burg looks a lot more promising than Fluffy's overgrown crossroads; I miss her already... that long black hair with those yellow eyes! Gad! But, I can't afford to settle down in the midst of my quest. In the morning, after a good sleep I have my eye on a fine Victorian mansion in the downtown area. The town seems to be well-stocked with some fine, furry, female felines that need the pleasure of my company. Meanwhile Count, I will e-mail the result of my pilgrimage (if any) later this week.

Strutz the Cat

Dancing towards senility,

Restores one's tranquility.

It frees the mind,

Lets the body unwind,

And promotes boogiebility.

C.S.

Count, I promised you I would keep you up to date with

my search to find housekeepers who could better afford

to keep a refined cat like me in fine gourmet food, deluxe

litter boxes,and peace and quiet in a fine house with a

fireplace. As I said in the note I left on the fridge for my

last housekeepers, I'm going to search until I find one.

It ain't gonna be easy, Count! But, I have run into

some fine female felines out here who were anxious

to have me improve their gene pools and spend a day or

two with them and share their food and comforts.

However, none of their housekeepers( I laugh every

time they call themselves our owners!) were any

great improvement over my previous pair of losers.

So, I must hit the road again and continue my search

in a higher-class neighborhood.

Count, I will e-mail you again on my search.

Your old buddy, Strutz.

"The man or woman who is happy is not

he or she who is believed to be so,

but he or she,who believes they are so."

Michel De Montaigne

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken

about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside

the Garden with her than inside it without her."

Adams Diary, Mark Twain

***

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had

taken out an international copyright on it.

Notebook, Mark Twain

***

Adam was a man who comes down to us without a

stain upon his name, unless it was a stain to take

one apple when most of us would have taken

the whole crop.

"On Adam", from a speech by Mark Twain

***

No woman or man really knows what perfect love

is until they have been married for a quarter of a century.

Notebook, Mark Twain

***

And finally the old master writer and wit

wrote in a letter:

Marriage...yes, it is the supreme felicity of life.

I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life.

The deeper the love, the surer the tragedy.

Mark Twain

***

Adam was not appalled,

When he experienced the fall;

For he found Eve more enthralling,

When the leaves were falling.

Joe L. Hardegree

***

God have mercy on the sinner,

Who tries every diet to get thinner,

And when the diet comes to an end,

Has to find another to begin!

C.S.

***

There was a young man from York,

Who was thought of as a dork,

Until he became a winner,

When during a boring dinner,

He discovered the quark.

C.S.

***

If I could journalize,

I wouldn't have to internalize,

All of this crap.

I could take a nap,

And then go externalize!.

C.S.

***

The Count's Rule for Muddling Through.

Mind your own business,

Try not to meddle.

Handle it all with finesse,

Wait for the dust to settle.

***

ADOPT A TROLL

ALL DAY SATURDAY

Spayed and Neutered

All Shots and Tags.

Ready to go.

$125.00

Delightful, amusing pets, particularly

if you live near a bridge.

Sponsored by the Society for Humane Treatment of Trolls.

***

If you cross a pug with a boxer what kind of dog

do you get? Answer: A dog that loses every fight.

***

The length of shoelaces was established by the

International Shoelace Federation in 1948 to keep the

industry from typing itself up in knots.

***

" Sometimes, I just sits and thinks "..."Sometimes I just sits!"

***

DID YOU KNOW...

***

The Roman Candle was invented in China for Wal-Mart.

***

There is no zero in Roman numerals. They knew everything.

***

Iowa is bigger than Portugal, but Portugal holds no political primaries.

***

200 million atoms placed in a row would measure one inch, more or less, or the length of the average attention span.

***

The earliest known will was written in 2550 B.C. by the earliest known lawyer.

***

Maine is the only state with a one-syllable name. Be still my heart!

***

Frogs have no ribs, but their legs are very tasty.

***

What Little Jack Horner pulled out of a pie resulted in a lawsuit.

***

"A woman I knew could speak six languages and couldn't say no in any of them!" Dorothy Parker

***

If there's an elephant in the room you should introduce it to the 800lb. gorilla.

***

If it looks like a dumpster. if it smells like a dumpster...it must be a dumpster!

***

SONG FOR 'NITA

Scuppernong wishes,

And muscadine dreams,

And all the little fishes,

You can catch with moonbeams.

With all the being alive,

You can stand 'tween nine and five.

'Cause I love you 'Nita,

Life couldn't be sweeter.

Count Sneaky for his wife

***

There was a girl named Grace,

Who was more than a pretty face.

It held her back,

Changed her career track,

But, she said, "It's only a braincase!"

***

Lovely Minny was thin as a penny,

When she turned sideways any ninny,

Could see, there was no skinny Minny.

***

Two old dogs sitting in a swing,

One turns to the other and starts to sing:

"I'll tug at your collar,

I'll nip at your knees,

I'll get down and wallow,

And take all your fleas.

Let's settle down and have a litter,

'Cause I'm a pointer and you're a sitter!"

***

"Drink to me only with thine eyes...

and I'll finish the bottle!"

***

The following memo was left on the refrigerator under a magnet that read "Cats Forever!":

My dear housekeepers , The canned cat food that I have been served for the last few weeks is not fit for dogs much less the highly refined taste buds of yours truly. Where did you get this tripe. I won't ask what it cost but I cannot believe that any reputable pet store would try to shovel this litter filler off on any discerning cat fanciers. I have taken in consideration your recently strained resources, but this simply cannot continue ! Unless the quality of my food is appreciably increased I shall be forced to vacate the house and upgrade the human housekeepers whom I favor with my presence. Also, the crappy old litterbox I use has to be replaced with a new,

deluxe model and changed daily. And no more disturbing my nap to show me off to your dim-witted friends. If these changes are made I will reconsider my decision. Get on it! Strutz the Cat.

***

Today is Saint Vinaigrette's Day. It honors Sir Vinaigrette, the knight who slew the last known Dragon and rescued the last known maiden.

All hail the knight,

Who slew the last dragon,

Took his head and left,

His tail wagging.

Now that dragons are no more,

Knighthood is going to be a bore.

No more maidens to rescue from their jaws,

No more peasants to rescue from their claws,

Farewell fearsome dragons!

We knights raise our flagons,

And salute you one last time,

Stalwart beasts of gore and grime

Count Sneaky

on St. Vinaigrette's Day

***

The Luddite's Ball will be held in conjunction with the Pecadillo's Ball this month and features the Hollow Log Band. It will be held at the Lake Bohemia Pavilion, out where the buses don't run.

***

Meet me tonight in Dreamland. Happy Hour is 9pm 'til 9am

***

The Cotillion for Debutantes with Intellectual Pretentions was held in the

Soda City Library and all had a fine time and the discussions entre-dances

were very well rehearsed and focused.

***

Current read: Solving Pest Problems by James G. Buckstopper, Frog Hair Press, 2009. 198 pages. Now, what I'm wondering is : Why should we solve problems for pest? Let the little buggers do it themselves.

***

How to stay fit: Eat cumquats three times a day and do

fifty reps of diddly-squats.

***

Left to himself...a hermit will generally be left to himself. Pinkam's Law.

***

Worm wrestling is a rapidly growing underground sport.

***